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OINKING THE BEST FAKE NEWS
Straight From The Trough
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Mamdani Clarifies He Also Lacks Authority to Change School Ice Cream Flavor
NEW YORK — After acknowledging that New York City cannot arrest Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu because the city lacks the legal authority, Zohran Mamdani held a follow-up press conference Tuesday to clarify a growing list of other things he also cannot do. Among them, officials confirmed, is changing the flavor of ice cream served…
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California Names Oscar The Grouch Chief Inspector Of New Statewide Trash Program
SACRAMENTO — California’s newly deployed bin inspection program, rolled out this month to enforce organic waste sorting under state law, has named its most qualified candidate to lead the effort: a green, trash-can-dwelling grouch with decades of hands-on experience and, officials say, “an unmatched passion for garbage.” “We looked at hundreds of applicants,” said a…
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Randi Weingarten Cast as Troll in Off-Broadway Revival of The Three Billy Goats Gruff
NEW YORK — Theater critics say they haven’t seen casting this believable since Danny DeVito played a penguin—or Sean Connery played a Russian submarine captain with an unmistakable Scottish accent. Producers of an upcoming Off-Broadway revival of The Three Billy Goats Gruff announced Friday that American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten has been cast…
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Mitch McConnell Reveals He Was the Secret Fifth Ninja Turtle All Along
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Mitch McConnell stunned reporters Tuesday by announcing that he no longer wants to be remembered primarily as a senator, party leader, or architect of decades of Republican strategy. He wants to be remembered as the secret fifth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. His name, McConnell revealed, is Botticelli. Standing before reporters in a…
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New Historical Evidence From The Garden Of Eden Suggests Adam And Eve Were Actually Evicted By Their HOA
EDEN — Archaeologists announced Monday that a newly translated stone tablet discovered near the entrance to the Garden of Eden has upended centuries of speculation about why humanity’s first couple left Paradise. The tablet, believed to be the world’s oldest Homeowners Association violation notice, details a lengthy list of infractions committed by Adam and Eve…
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St. Peter Sets Up DUI Checkpoint At Pearly Gates
Newly arrived souls report longer wait times at the Pearly Gates this week after St. Peter announced a surprise Heavenly Sobriety Checkpoint, citing “an uptick in halos tilting to one side.” Officials say the trend traces back to Heaven’s famously enthusiastic welcome parties, where newly arrived souls are reunited with long-lost loved ones and, apparently,…
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Local Man Convinced Local Weatherman Is Hiding Something, Refuses To Elaborate On What
Area resident Gary Fenwick has spent the past several weeks convinced that the local weatherman “knows more than he’s letting on,” though Fenwick admits he cannot say what, specifically, is being hidden. “It’s the smile,” Fenwick explained. “Nobody’s that happy about a 40% chance of rain unless something’s going on.” Fenwick has reportedly begun cross-referencing…
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Nation’s Infrastructure Bill Now Older Than Some Of The Bridges It Was Meant To Fix
A major infrastructure bill first proposed nine years ago is reportedly nearing a vote, though several of the bridges it was designed to repair have since been condemned, renamed, or turned into “historic pedestrian walkways” out of necessity. “We’re calling it a win either way,” said a spokesperson for the Department of Transportation. “Fewer working…
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Federal Reserve Announces It Will “Keep An Eye On Things,” Markets Reportedly Relieved
The Federal Reserve concluded its two-day meeting Wednesday with an announcement that it would “continue monitoring economic conditions closely,” a statement economists described as “extremely on-brand.” Markets rallied briefly before remembering they don’t actually know what that means either. “We’re data-dependent,” said one Fed official, who then admitted the data in question was “mostly vibes…
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Congressman Introduces Bill To Rename Gridlock “Strategic Patience”
In a bold rebranding effort, Rep. Wendell Kloss unveiled legislation Tuesday to officially rename legislative gridlock as “strategic patience,” arguing the current term “carries unfair negative connotations.” “Nothing is stuck,” Kloss told reporters. “We are simply allowing democracy to breathe. For six years.” The bill itself has not moved out of committee, which Kloss says…
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Senator Vows To ‘Get To The Bottom Of This’ Right After Lunch, Dinner, And A Nap
Capitol Hill was rocked this week by the revelation that absolutely nothing new had happened, prompting Senator Chip Roadwell to call an emergency press conference anyway. Flanked by three aides and a folding table, Roadwell assured reporters that the matter was being handled “with the seriousness it deserves,” a phrase he has now used to…
Daily-Pork.com
Straight From The Trough
-
Mamdani Clarifies He Also Lacks Authority to Change School Ice Cream Flavor
NEW YORK — After acknowledging that New York City cannot arrest Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu because the city lacks the legal authority, Zohran Mamdani held a follow-up press conference Tuesday to clarify a growing list of other things he also cannot do. Among them, officials confirmed, is changing the flavor of ice cream served…
-
California Names Oscar The Grouch Chief Inspector Of New Statewide Trash Program
SACRAMENTO — California’s newly deployed bin inspection program, rolled out this month to enforce organic waste sorting under state law, has named its most qualified candidate to lead the effort: a green, trash-can-dwelling grouch with decades of hands-on experience and, officials say, “an unmatched passion for garbage.” “We looked at hundreds of applicants,” said a…
-
Randi Weingarten Cast as Troll in Off-Broadway Revival of The Three Billy Goats Gruff
NEW YORK — Theater critics say they haven’t seen casting this believable since Danny DeVito played a penguin—or Sean Connery played a Russian submarine captain with an unmistakable Scottish accent. Producers of an upcoming Off-Broadway revival of The Three Billy Goats Gruff announced Friday that American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten has been cast…
-
Mitch McConnell Reveals He Was the Secret Fifth Ninja Turtle All Along
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Mitch McConnell stunned reporters Tuesday by announcing that he no longer wants to be remembered primarily as a senator, party leader, or architect of decades of Republican strategy. He wants to be remembered as the secret fifth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. His name, McConnell revealed, is Botticelli. Standing before reporters in a…
-
New Historical Evidence From The Garden Of Eden Suggests Adam And Eve Were Actually Evicted By Their HOA
EDEN — Archaeologists announced Monday that a newly translated stone tablet discovered near the entrance to the Garden of Eden has upended centuries of speculation about why humanity’s first couple left Paradise. The tablet, believed to be the world’s oldest Homeowners Association violation notice, details a lengthy list of infractions committed by Adam and Eve…
-
St. Peter Sets Up DUI Checkpoint At Pearly Gates
Newly arrived souls report longer wait times at the Pearly Gates this week after St. Peter announced a surprise Heavenly Sobriety Checkpoint, citing “an uptick in halos tilting to one side.” Officials say the trend traces back to Heaven’s famously enthusiastic welcome parties, where newly arrived souls are reunited with long-lost loved ones and, apparently,…
-
Local Man Convinced Local Weatherman Is Hiding Something, Refuses To Elaborate On What
Area resident Gary Fenwick has spent the past several weeks convinced that the local weatherman “knows more than he’s letting on,” though Fenwick admits he cannot say what, specifically, is being hidden. “It’s the smile,” Fenwick explained. “Nobody’s that happy about a 40% chance of rain unless something’s going on.” Fenwick has reportedly begun cross-referencing…
-
Nation’s Infrastructure Bill Now Older Than Some Of The Bridges It Was Meant To Fix
A major infrastructure bill first proposed nine years ago is reportedly nearing a vote, though several of the bridges it was designed to repair have since been condemned, renamed, or turned into “historic pedestrian walkways” out of necessity. “We’re calling it a win either way,” said a spokesperson for the Department of Transportation. “Fewer working…
-
Federal Reserve Announces It Will “Keep An Eye On Things,” Markets Reportedly Relieved
The Federal Reserve concluded its two-day meeting Wednesday with an announcement that it would “continue monitoring economic conditions closely,” a statement economists described as “extremely on-brand.” Markets rallied briefly before remembering they don’t actually know what that means either. “We’re data-dependent,” said one Fed official, who then admitted the data in question was “mostly vibes…
-
Congressman Introduces Bill To Rename Gridlock “Strategic Patience”
In a bold rebranding effort, Rep. Wendell Kloss unveiled legislation Tuesday to officially rename legislative gridlock as “strategic patience,” arguing the current term “carries unfair negative connotations.” “Nothing is stuck,” Kloss told reporters. “We are simply allowing democracy to breathe. For six years.” The bill itself has not moved out of committee, which Kloss says…
-
Senator Vows To ‘Get To The Bottom Of This’ Right After Lunch, Dinner, And A Nap
Capitol Hill was rocked this week by the revelation that absolutely nothing new had happened, prompting Senator Chip Roadwell to call an emergency press conference anyway. Flanked by three aides and a folding table, Roadwell assured reporters that the matter was being handled “with the seriousness it deserves,” a phrase he has now used to…